Secrets of my heart...

Something I didn't expect as a dr.s wife is....(drum roll please)... jealousy. I'm super comfortable in my roll as wife and mother, don't get me wrong, and really, I wouldn't have it any other way. But I've realized just this year that sometimes I envy my husband's success. He's kinda important in his field, an officer of a big national organization, knows important people (even got a big- name doctor to be the voice on his voicemail)... And I'm proud of him. He rocks his world, and he rocks my world. But still, that little seed of jealousy creeps in, wishing that I got awards and pins every time I made it through the grocery store with three kids, wishing I got high fives from my kids every time I prepare a meal or pull out fruit leathers from my purse, wishing I could hang plaques on my wall every year for being mom of the year....can you relate? But it just doesn't work that way. And I have accepted that, for sure. This work of motherhood has long term results, and some results that I will never personally see. It's no instant rewards career, and I don't get a performance review (but really, I don't want a performance review...then all my flaws would be immortalized, I definitely don't need that!). I have to "settle" for the sweet wet kisses from my son, the last snuggle and extra squeeze from each of my kids at night, the sighs they breath when they are finally home and that's where they want to be...these are the good things I work for. And really, my husband should be jealous of me....

All the glamour...

Indeed, I've been in a lull. I'm just about ready to give up being anonymous--it's kind of cramping my style. So the three of you who check this blog may find out who I really am shortly...if you didn't already know....and just to warn you, I'm in a random-stream-of-thought mood tonight.

Alfred Chalon; Girl Reading a Letter
probably what I'll be doing alot of in the next year...

Today I told my hubby, the doctor, the doctor's wife's husband, whatever you'd like to think of him as, that when he was in medical school, I knew my life would forever involve him taking call, quite frequently. What I wasn't prepared for back then is that this doctor's life would also include tons of traveling days.  Not every doctor follows this path, but he has, and I'm happy for him. In fact, he just got promoted to a very important position in the ob/gyn world, and I couldn't be more proud. He deserves it, totally.

What does all this mean? A good career move for him: a wonderful opportunity to influence people and policy. And for me? Lots of time as a single mom. Come on, let's be honest. In the fall it's likely he will be gone every weekend for 6-7 weeks in a row. Nice.

So, if you do know me, and want to see me, the fall would be a wonderful time...I'll be lonely by then, I'm sure, and very ready for adult conversation.

Who's Your Dr.?

because these are the kind of images I find when I'm
on MH's computer--IVF calves...

A few weeks ago, my own ob/gyn got really sick and had to go on medical leave for a couple of months. She works with my husband, so I knew all about it, visited her in the hospital, etc. Of course with her being out, MH as well as others will be filling in for her.

I actually told her, selfishly, that I was bummed she got sick, because I have an appointment with her coming up and I don't want any other doctor, you know?

But of course, I forgot all about the appointment and life goes on. Then last week I received a phone call that went something like this:

secretary: "Hi, Mrs. -----, this is the gyn. clinic; you have a scheduled appointment in 4 weeks. Unfortunately, your doctor has had to go on medical leave. The referring doctor is Dr. ----- (insert my last name)"

me: "Okay, that's actually my husband."

sec.: "Oh (nervous laugh), umm, well, how would you like to proceed?"

me: "Well, I think I'd rather just postpone the appointment. It's really no emergency. Can we do that?"

sec.: "Oh yes dear, (obviously relieved), not a problem." click.

That was awkward, funny, strange, and would only happen to me. I got a good laugh after that call. Oh, the life of a doctor's wife.

More Rambling about Call

Richard Estes (American, born 1937); Cafe Express

Just so you know the ins and outs of this life we live, I have to be perfectly clear.  Alongside all of the negatives, there are definitely positives. Even though I may, and probably will again, be focusing on some of the sadder, lonelier days of being a doctor's wife, I will let you in on a few secrets...

...A night to myself every now and then is agreeable.  Of course, I wouldn't necessarily chose to send MH away every week for a night, just so I can have some me time.  But since that's already the tune we sing to, I have learned to enjoy it.  I've always been a person that savors some quiet moments to myself, and sometimes probably to a fault.  So maybe these built in nights to myself, after the storm of feeding with, playing with, reading to, bathing, and putting little children to bed, are a little blessing in disguise.  A breather, if you will.  Often, it's a time to regroup, think, plan, blog, watch chick-flicks, read good books, etc., without feeling like I'm abandoning MH for the night.

Someone mentioned to me recently that she didn't realize I struggled with loneliness from time to time when MH was on call.  I had to assure her that it's not a constant struggle, it's sort of just a fact of life.  I think after so many years of this, I just take it in stride and speak very matter of fact about it.."MH is on call tonight." Sounds like no big deal.  And really, we're very used to it, so it isn't a big deal.  But I probably am just so used to dealing with it, that I internalize the struggles, and don't spill them forth all the time, you know?

So, in the face of being lonely, I can enjoy being alone.  Sounds weird, but it's true.

Post Call Days for him, On-call days for me

by Mary Cassatt

Planning for MH's call days are one thing, but what do you do about the "post call" days? For you non-doctor's wives out there, "post call" refers to the day after call day. In residency, after being on call at the hospital for 24 hours, MH would come home to sleep away half of the day, and then spend the late afternoon and evening with us. Those were often really refreshing days (once he woke up) to catch up on time with Daddy, after the long separation of call.

These days, however, as an attending at a teaching hospital, MH has to work the whole post call day.  Meaning, he doesn't get to come home and sleep, he has to go straight to clinic and see patients all day. Granted, as an attending, he definitely gets more sleep at the hospital than the residents or fellows do, so working the next day is a bit more possible. But he's still exhausted, and when he gets home that night it's straight to the couch. Understandably so; if it were me, I'd be rushing straight to the bathroom, sick.

Sometimes for me, post call day is actually harder than call day, because MH is home but sort of "untouchable." I don't want to bother him with bathing the kids or doing the dishes (although he definitely has and will if needed), so in a way it's like 48 hours of "on-call" for me. It's like I have to step up to the plate, and stay there for at least 48 hours. No post call day for me!

MH works incredibly hard, and of course when he's on call, no matter whether it's a busy night at the hospital or not, he's working and not relaxing. So yes, it's much easier being the one at home with the kids. But still, I find that the anticipation of call day, the actual call day, and the realities of post call day can be quite emotionally exhausting for me.

And so I rely on God's strength throughout it all, realizing that this is the life He chose for me. And time and time again, God has proven Himself faithful at bolstering my energy during these single-parent days. We all have our challenges, and realizing that God has brought it and will give the grace to endure it is more than half of the battle.

When the Doctor is Away

 Jean-Louis Forain (French, 1852-1931); The Fisherman

Life is usually pretty cheery around here, what with residency over and with MH having more consistent and predictable hours.  But times can still be tough.  My heart goes out to those military wives who must endure their husbands being away for months on end, whereas I have to deal with a week at a time, tops.

He still takes overnight call several times a month, and lately on the weekends that he's not on call, he's traveling for ob/gyn conferences.  So for me, it just doesn't seem to be getting any easier.  I still feel lonely, melancholy even, when he's traveling or on call, especially when the children are sick and we are cooped up at home, quarantined from society.

Each call or travel day, I'm faced with internal questions like,
"What will we have for dinner...out, or in?"
"Do we keep tomorrow normal, or do we do special stuff?"
"Should the children stay up and watch a movie, or bedtime as usual?"

Often, I lean towards doing the special things, because I know those bring some sense of comfort when we all miss Daddy.  And life isn't normal without Daddy, anyway.  Of course, I have to strike a balance because I don't want my children to look forward to Daddy being away so we can do special stuff!  Agh, the dilemmas!

Even then, MH has purposed to do so many special things with the children in our normal life, that I don't feel too bad about doing special things when he's away.

Such is life as a Dr.'s wife...

Screening Phone Calls

 Carel Fabritus, (Dutch 1622-1654); The Goldfinch

As a doctor, MH realizes he's in a profession that needs to be shared from time to time. Meaning, usually once every couple of weeks a friend, a relative, or a friend of a relative will call with a medical question. And he's so generous and helpful that he tries hard to return these calls and assist in whatever way he can. I know many people have truly appreciated his professional opinion, as well as his simple explanations.

That being said, as the secretary of this household, I have learned a thing or two about screening calls and questions. I've heard enough conversations to know what questions to ask, and whether or not the Dr. needs to return the call. (of course, I always run it by him later, just to be sure) So here's what I say...

The basic questions...
What are your symptoms?
How long have you had it?
Any fevers or headaches?
What have you tried?

The random ones...
Have you tried cabbage leaves? An ace bandage?
Have you taken a decongestant?
Any discharge? (hey, I'm a gynecologist's wife, okay?)
Does it hurt when you pee?

Comments or helps...
No, you can't take ibuprofen.
Don't fret if you did, just don't take anymore.
Take some tums and call me in the morning.
The cheese needs to be pasteurized.
Heat the lunchmeat in the microwave for 15-20 seconds before eating.
Yes, that's normal.
No, that's not normal.