Screening Phone Calls

 Carel Fabritus, (Dutch 1622-1654); The Goldfinch

As a doctor, MH realizes he's in a profession that needs to be shared from time to time. Meaning, usually once every couple of weeks a friend, a relative, or a friend of a relative will call with a medical question. And he's so generous and helpful that he tries hard to return these calls and assist in whatever way he can. I know many people have truly appreciated his professional opinion, as well as his simple explanations.

That being said, as the secretary of this household, I have learned a thing or two about screening calls and questions. I've heard enough conversations to know what questions to ask, and whether or not the Dr. needs to return the call. (of course, I always run it by him later, just to be sure) So here's what I say...

The basic questions...
What are your symptoms?
How long have you had it?
Any fevers or headaches?
What have you tried?

The random ones...
Have you tried cabbage leaves? An ace bandage?
Have you taken a decongestant?
Any discharge? (hey, I'm a gynecologist's wife, okay?)
Does it hurt when you pee?

Comments or helps...
No, you can't take ibuprofen.
Don't fret if you did, just don't take anymore.
Take some tums and call me in the morning.
The cheese needs to be pasteurized.
Heat the lunchmeat in the microwave for 15-20 seconds before eating.
Yes, that's normal.
No, that's not normal.