A Career Worth Choosing, Part 3

Seldon Connor Gile (American, 1877-1947); Arks Along the Lagoon

Boosted with confidence that my stay-at-home-mom career choice was truly nothing to be ashamed of, there was a decision to be made. If I was going to be confident about this, I needed to realize that the main reason I was even bothering teaching piano (when I had many other things on my plate to tend to) was so that I could have something to say when I was face to face with female professionals, specifically female ob/gyns; those women who seemed so strong, like they had it all together, like they could do everything, and save the world in the process.

I confided in MH my desire to be more confident about my decision to be a stay-at-home mom, and start claiming it with pride (the good kind); which meant I needed to close my small piano studio. Conveniently, about the same time I turned up pregnant with our third child, which made the reasoning behind it all much simpler.

I remember the first time we went to a function after this decision of mine, I literally had to give myself an internal pep-talk before we arrived about being confident about what I do.  And when the first person who asked me, "Now what do you do, are you a physician as well?" I responded confidently that I stayed at home with my two, almost three children, and that I loved it.  And I forced myself to say nothing at all about what I used to do. And it went over just fine.

But these are the things we wives have to deal with, right?  And not just wives of doctors.

A Career Worth Choosing, Part 2

Raoul Dufy (French, 1877-1953); Open Window at Nice

It wasn't until a couple of years after MH had gotten his first "real" job as an ob/gyn, that I began to come to grips with some of these emotions. By this time, we had two children, and I had started teaching piano again out of my home. Now, with this jump back into my "career," when we attended functions, if I was asked that same old question, I could reply, "I teach piano," and listen to the "oohs" and "ahhs" and "Oh, I've always wanted to learn to play," etc..

Digging deeper into my heart about all this, I think having a career to fall back on made me "feel" important, when faced to face with all of these women, these colleagues of MH, who were doing such important things. I really felt like I could hold my own once again, like I had something to talk about. But still, something about all of this left me with a bad taste in my mouth; like I was trying to be something that I wasn't.

All along, I had (have) many friends who made the same choice I had, the choice to walk away from their career and to pursue their family.  And in this group of friends I felt confident, sure; resolved that staying at home was definitely what I was supposed to be doing, what I was called to do.  Along with these women, God's word grounded me with confidence.  I'm always encouraged in the Scripture that my career as a wife and mother are prized and valued very highly by God.  That truly, this choice of mine is a worthy career choice, and nothing to be ashamed of in the professional world.

And there's more to this story...

A Career Worth Choosing, Part 1

by Winslow Homer, "woman and the dinner horn"

Before MH and I were married, I definitely knew that someday I'd close the "career" door in my life and open the "mom" door, and that would be that.  And it really wasn't just about knowing this, I truly wanted it, sometimes more than anything! And when it happened, with the arrival of baby #1 just 8 weeks before residency began, I was ready...at least I thought I was.

But the further I got in this life as wife of a Dr., the more I missed about my "career," primarily in regard to what I conversed about when it came to interacting with MH's colleagues.  It seemed that as we gathered at various social events, I felt like I no longer had anything worthy to contribute in conversation, apart from what my baby was doing at the time (like drooling and teething, very exciting).  I found myself falling back on what I "used" to do, whenever I was asked, "And what do you do?" Or I'd discuss ways I thought I was going to get back into my field, which, as I'm sure you've guessed, is teaching piano.

And so it went, sadly, for more than 4 years.  I say sadly, not because of the circumstance. Not because I really wished that I was back teaching piano and not a stay-at-home mom. Honestly, it was quite the contrary.  Staying at home was (and is) truly the highlight of my life, something I came to enjoy immensely.  I say sadly, because those "nothing to contribute" feelings, or perhaps even some embarrassment that I was just a stay-at-home mom, kept nagging me, when they shouldn't have.

And there's more to this story...

A Common Question

isn't my husband cute?...............

As a Dr's wife, I'm often asked the same question, over and over again (not necessarily by the same person). One of those questions usually comes just after an aquaintance finds out that I'm married to an ob/gyn. They'll ask, "So, does that mean that he delivers your babies?" Hmm, I can see how this is a deep curiosity for some people. So here's what I usually say.

No, he does not.

Now, I have friends whose husbands are ob/gyns, and indeed they have delivered their own babies, or have even done some basic examinations to avoid extra hospital trips (you know who you are...). And while that is totally fine, simply personal preference, my preference is not that. I prefer my husband to be just that, my husband. I want him by my side, next to my head, squeezing my hand and rubbing my back. Not telling me when to push and being at the other end!

But it's not just my preference, it's his too. He really has no interest in being my Dr., and really just wants to trust someone else with that responsibility. We've been blessed to have smooth deliveries, but what if there were complications? It seems like that might just make the situation more difficult.

When our first son was born, I sincerely asked him ahead of time if this might be the one time he wanted to deliver his own baby, his first son. And he didn't even have to think about it.  The answer was no.

And that is that.

Going the Extra Mile

by Mary Cassatt

People sometimes wonder if I've ever been nervous or worried about the fact that my husband spends most of his time with other women.  Let's face it, the ob/gyn world is becoming more and more dominated by female practitioners.  Often, in each class of residents there will be no males at all!  And then of course, he never, ever, ever has a male patient.  And while there are many male nurses in many fields, it seems like most of the labor and delivery nurses are female.  So this question is quite a valid one.

Thankfully, I completely trust my husband, and always have.  He's a faithful man, and has proven to me time and again how madly in love he is with me!  I've never doubted his character, ever.  And often I can't relate to women that have to wonder about their husbands; but believe me, my sympathies abound to them.

But over the years, my husband and I have made special efforts to ensure that other people know he's a married man...that he is totally and utterly unavailable!  Back when he was in residency, and on call many a night, we wouldn't see him for quite a long spell.  So we had to come up with a way to make this time go faster, to encourage him in his work, and to remind his co-workers that he had a family back home.

So I started cooking up big meals, packing them in the car, and driving up to the hospital. I'd stuff the meals in the bottom of the stroller, and push it all the way up to labor and delivery.  My daughter would make her rounds visiting the nurses,  I'd chat it up with the other residents, and then we'd set up our dinner and eat it with Daddy.  Sometimes I'd make enough for his whole team, and sometimes just enough for our little family.  Either way, it was one way for them to see him as a family man, and not as a "potential."  And of course, the added benefit was that it was a special way to love my husband.

We still carry on this tradition from time to time, although with our growing family it's a bit more of a challenge for me to haul everyone up to the hospital.  So sometimes he'll take one child with him to the hospital on his weekend rounds.  Either way, I think it's a good plan to show others that this man is taken!  

Food for Thought

Being married to a gynecologist is awkward for some people.  There's really no other way of putting it.  Recently someone told me of a situation where a friend of hers felt uncomfortable thinking that my husband was a gynecologist.  That particular situation didn't bother me, mostly I just laughed.  But it did get me thinking.   Does anyone else feel uncomfortable about it?

For me it's so normal.  It's our life.  My husband could be going to work on cars every morning, that's how normal it feels (yes, sometimes I have a moment of awe when I think that my husband is cutting open a woman to save a baby; quite wonderful that God allows him to play a role in saving lives).  But when I kiss him good-bye in the morning, it's normal.  Just another day of work.

I forget though, that I used to feel uncomfortable thinking about what gynecologists did.  And so maybe some of my friends, or some of my friend's husbands, have a hard time getting over it.  I'm not sure.  It's just so hard for me to remember those feelings.  It's so medical, so practical.  There's nothing romantic about it at all.

Anyway, its food for thought.  But not too much thought, or I might go crazy.