Secrets of my heart...

Something I didn't expect as a dr.s wife is....(drum roll please)... jealousy. I'm super comfortable in my roll as wife and mother, don't get me wrong, and really, I wouldn't have it any other way. But I've realized just this year that sometimes I envy my husband's success. He's kinda important in his field, an officer of a big national organization, knows important people (even got a big- name doctor to be the voice on his voicemail)... And I'm proud of him. He rocks his world, and he rocks my world. But still, that little seed of jealousy creeps in, wishing that I got awards and pins every time I made it through the grocery store with three kids, wishing I got high fives from my kids every time I prepare a meal or pull out fruit leathers from my purse, wishing I could hang plaques on my wall every year for being mom of the year....can you relate? But it just doesn't work that way. And I have accepted that, for sure. This work of motherhood has long term results, and some results that I will never personally see. It's no instant rewards career, and I don't get a performance review (but really, I don't want a performance review...then all my flaws would be immortalized, I definitely don't need that!). I have to "settle" for the sweet wet kisses from my son, the last snuggle and extra squeeze from each of my kids at night, the sighs they breath when they are finally home and that's where they want to be...these are the good things I work for. And really, my husband should be jealous of me....

All the glamour...

Indeed, I've been in a lull. I'm just about ready to give up being anonymous--it's kind of cramping my style. So the three of you who check this blog may find out who I really am shortly...if you didn't already know....and just to warn you, I'm in a random-stream-of-thought mood tonight.

Alfred Chalon; Girl Reading a Letter
probably what I'll be doing alot of in the next year...

Today I told my hubby, the doctor, the doctor's wife's husband, whatever you'd like to think of him as, that when he was in medical school, I knew my life would forever involve him taking call, quite frequently. What I wasn't prepared for back then is that this doctor's life would also include tons of traveling days.  Not every doctor follows this path, but he has, and I'm happy for him. In fact, he just got promoted to a very important position in the ob/gyn world, and I couldn't be more proud. He deserves it, totally.

What does all this mean? A good career move for him: a wonderful opportunity to influence people and policy. And for me? Lots of time as a single mom. Come on, let's be honest. In the fall it's likely he will be gone every weekend for 6-7 weeks in a row. Nice.

So, if you do know me, and want to see me, the fall would be a wonderful time...I'll be lonely by then, I'm sure, and very ready for adult conversation.

Who's Your Dr.?

because these are the kind of images I find when I'm
on MH's computer--IVF calves...

A few weeks ago, my own ob/gyn got really sick and had to go on medical leave for a couple of months. She works with my husband, so I knew all about it, visited her in the hospital, etc. Of course with her being out, MH as well as others will be filling in for her.

I actually told her, selfishly, that I was bummed she got sick, because I have an appointment with her coming up and I don't want any other doctor, you know?

But of course, I forgot all about the appointment and life goes on. Then last week I received a phone call that went something like this:

secretary: "Hi, Mrs. -----, this is the gyn. clinic; you have a scheduled appointment in 4 weeks. Unfortunately, your doctor has had to go on medical leave. The referring doctor is Dr. ----- (insert my last name)"

me: "Okay, that's actually my husband."

sec.: "Oh (nervous laugh), umm, well, how would you like to proceed?"

me: "Well, I think I'd rather just postpone the appointment. It's really no emergency. Can we do that?"

sec.: "Oh yes dear, (obviously relieved), not a problem." click.

That was awkward, funny, strange, and would only happen to me. I got a good laugh after that call. Oh, the life of a doctor's wife.

More Rambling about Call

Richard Estes (American, born 1937); Cafe Express

Just so you know the ins and outs of this life we live, I have to be perfectly clear.  Alongside all of the negatives, there are definitely positives. Even though I may, and probably will again, be focusing on some of the sadder, lonelier days of being a doctor's wife, I will let you in on a few secrets...

...A night to myself every now and then is agreeable.  Of course, I wouldn't necessarily chose to send MH away every week for a night, just so I can have some me time.  But since that's already the tune we sing to, I have learned to enjoy it.  I've always been a person that savors some quiet moments to myself, and sometimes probably to a fault.  So maybe these built in nights to myself, after the storm of feeding with, playing with, reading to, bathing, and putting little children to bed, are a little blessing in disguise.  A breather, if you will.  Often, it's a time to regroup, think, plan, blog, watch chick-flicks, read good books, etc., without feeling like I'm abandoning MH for the night.

Someone mentioned to me recently that she didn't realize I struggled with loneliness from time to time when MH was on call.  I had to assure her that it's not a constant struggle, it's sort of just a fact of life.  I think after so many years of this, I just take it in stride and speak very matter of fact about it.."MH is on call tonight." Sounds like no big deal.  And really, we're very used to it, so it isn't a big deal.  But I probably am just so used to dealing with it, that I internalize the struggles, and don't spill them forth all the time, you know?

So, in the face of being lonely, I can enjoy being alone.  Sounds weird, but it's true.

Post Call Days for him, On-call days for me

by Mary Cassatt

Planning for MH's call days are one thing, but what do you do about the "post call" days? For you non-doctor's wives out there, "post call" refers to the day after call day. In residency, after being on call at the hospital for 24 hours, MH would come home to sleep away half of the day, and then spend the late afternoon and evening with us. Those were often really refreshing days (once he woke up) to catch up on time with Daddy, after the long separation of call.

These days, however, as an attending at a teaching hospital, MH has to work the whole post call day.  Meaning, he doesn't get to come home and sleep, he has to go straight to clinic and see patients all day. Granted, as an attending, he definitely gets more sleep at the hospital than the residents or fellows do, so working the next day is a bit more possible. But he's still exhausted, and when he gets home that night it's straight to the couch. Understandably so; if it were me, I'd be rushing straight to the bathroom, sick.

Sometimes for me, post call day is actually harder than call day, because MH is home but sort of "untouchable." I don't want to bother him with bathing the kids or doing the dishes (although he definitely has and will if needed), so in a way it's like 48 hours of "on-call" for me. It's like I have to step up to the plate, and stay there for at least 48 hours. No post call day for me!

MH works incredibly hard, and of course when he's on call, no matter whether it's a busy night at the hospital or not, he's working and not relaxing. So yes, it's much easier being the one at home with the kids. But still, I find that the anticipation of call day, the actual call day, and the realities of post call day can be quite emotionally exhausting for me.

And so I rely on God's strength throughout it all, realizing that this is the life He chose for me. And time and time again, God has proven Himself faithful at bolstering my energy during these single-parent days. We all have our challenges, and realizing that God has brought it and will give the grace to endure it is more than half of the battle.

When the Doctor is Away

 Jean-Louis Forain (French, 1852-1931); The Fisherman

Life is usually pretty cheery around here, what with residency over and with MH having more consistent and predictable hours.  But times can still be tough.  My heart goes out to those military wives who must endure their husbands being away for months on end, whereas I have to deal with a week at a time, tops.

He still takes overnight call several times a month, and lately on the weekends that he's not on call, he's traveling for ob/gyn conferences.  So for me, it just doesn't seem to be getting any easier.  I still feel lonely, melancholy even, when he's traveling or on call, especially when the children are sick and we are cooped up at home, quarantined from society.

Each call or travel day, I'm faced with internal questions like,
"What will we have for dinner...out, or in?"
"Do we keep tomorrow normal, or do we do special stuff?"
"Should the children stay up and watch a movie, or bedtime as usual?"

Often, I lean towards doing the special things, because I know those bring some sense of comfort when we all miss Daddy.  And life isn't normal without Daddy, anyway.  Of course, I have to strike a balance because I don't want my children to look forward to Daddy being away so we can do special stuff!  Agh, the dilemmas!

Even then, MH has purposed to do so many special things with the children in our normal life, that I don't feel too bad about doing special things when he's away.

Such is life as a Dr.'s wife...

Screening Phone Calls

 Carel Fabritus, (Dutch 1622-1654); The Goldfinch

As a doctor, MH realizes he's in a profession that needs to be shared from time to time. Meaning, usually once every couple of weeks a friend, a relative, or a friend of a relative will call with a medical question. And he's so generous and helpful that he tries hard to return these calls and assist in whatever way he can. I know many people have truly appreciated his professional opinion, as well as his simple explanations.

That being said, as the secretary of this household, I have learned a thing or two about screening calls and questions. I've heard enough conversations to know what questions to ask, and whether or not the Dr. needs to return the call. (of course, I always run it by him later, just to be sure) So here's what I say...

The basic questions...
What are your symptoms?
How long have you had it?
Any fevers or headaches?
What have you tried?

The random ones...
Have you tried cabbage leaves? An ace bandage?
Have you taken a decongestant?
Any discharge? (hey, I'm a gynecologist's wife, okay?)
Does it hurt when you pee?

Comments or helps...
No, you can't take ibuprofen.
Don't fret if you did, just don't take anymore.
Take some tums and call me in the morning.
The cheese needs to be pasteurized.
Heat the lunchmeat in the microwave for 15-20 seconds before eating.
Yes, that's normal.
No, that's not normal.

More Table Talk

Sitting around the table is a very refreshing thing to do together as a family; something we've always cherished and been committed to. Of course, when MH was in residency, it was rare.  Often I found myself sitting alone at the table or with my little daughter (pleasant, but missing something). So I'm definitely glad we're passed that era in our life and able to look forward to more predictable table time together.

Of course, as previously mentioned, along with table time comes interesting conversations or amusements. Let me explain. I'm a woman who loves cloth napkins; I guess you could say I collect them. In fact, during residency, my actual kitchen curtains were made out of them--cute little yellow striped napkins hanging down in cafe' style.

It wasn't until recently that I realized cloth napkins can serve even more purposes than the common ones (wiping hands, curtains, etc.)  MH happened to have some stitching supplies, and for some odd reason after dinner, he decided to pull it out and start stitching up those very same cloth napkins! Not only did he do this, but he started teaching our little daughter how to do it too! (you see, I actually got used to this in medical school when I'd find a series of stitches hanging from random objects--a chair, a pillow, etc., while my husband was practicing his knots). But now I'm a mom, so I found myself issuing warnings like, "Be careful, that needle is really sharp!" to which, of course, neither of them listened.

So I still haven't ripped those stitches out of that napkin...I keep hoping one of those two get that particular napkin at dinner and laugh about it.  So far, I'm the one who keeps getting it.

Table Talk

I'm sure for most families, the talk around the dinner table can take some pretty unique twists and turns, depending upon the father's trade. Perhaps the cobbler has a tale or two of the man with the biggest feet who stepped into his shop today. Or perhaps the roofer's employer fell off his ladder and broke his leg. Or maybe even the produce salesmen found out he sold a bad batch of celery. Lots of interesting table conversation, to be sure.

Well so it is with our family.  For instance, you might think that a baked potato seems innocent enough; just a little spud staring up at you, ready for the knife, the butter, and the smashing.  Not much to say about it, right? Just eat it!  Oh, but not for this family--not for this father, to be more specific.

So we had baked potatoes last week, and before I knew it, MH was performing surgery on it.
"See, this is how I cut into a Mommy's tummy; just in and straight down, like so.  You want to try it?" Yep, that's definitely one way to have your table talk take a turn.  It was a bit hard to swallow that particular potato after all that imagery, but the girls seemed amused.

Thus it is for a doctor's wife--the ordinary becomes extraordinary, and perhaps I'll never look at another baked potato in the same way.

A Career Worth Choosing, Part 3

Seldon Connor Gile (American, 1877-1947); Arks Along the Lagoon

Boosted with confidence that my stay-at-home-mom career choice was truly nothing to be ashamed of, there was a decision to be made. If I was going to be confident about this, I needed to realize that the main reason I was even bothering teaching piano (when I had many other things on my plate to tend to) was so that I could have something to say when I was face to face with female professionals, specifically female ob/gyns; those women who seemed so strong, like they had it all together, like they could do everything, and save the world in the process.

I confided in MH my desire to be more confident about my decision to be a stay-at-home mom, and start claiming it with pride (the good kind); which meant I needed to close my small piano studio. Conveniently, about the same time I turned up pregnant with our third child, which made the reasoning behind it all much simpler.

I remember the first time we went to a function after this decision of mine, I literally had to give myself an internal pep-talk before we arrived about being confident about what I do.  And when the first person who asked me, "Now what do you do, are you a physician as well?" I responded confidently that I stayed at home with my two, almost three children, and that I loved it.  And I forced myself to say nothing at all about what I used to do. And it went over just fine.

But these are the things we wives have to deal with, right?  And not just wives of doctors.

A Career Worth Choosing, Part 2

Raoul Dufy (French, 1877-1953); Open Window at Nice

It wasn't until a couple of years after MH had gotten his first "real" job as an ob/gyn, that I began to come to grips with some of these emotions. By this time, we had two children, and I had started teaching piano again out of my home. Now, with this jump back into my "career," when we attended functions, if I was asked that same old question, I could reply, "I teach piano," and listen to the "oohs" and "ahhs" and "Oh, I've always wanted to learn to play," etc..

Digging deeper into my heart about all this, I think having a career to fall back on made me "feel" important, when faced to face with all of these women, these colleagues of MH, who were doing such important things. I really felt like I could hold my own once again, like I had something to talk about. But still, something about all of this left me with a bad taste in my mouth; like I was trying to be something that I wasn't.

All along, I had (have) many friends who made the same choice I had, the choice to walk away from their career and to pursue their family.  And in this group of friends I felt confident, sure; resolved that staying at home was definitely what I was supposed to be doing, what I was called to do.  Along with these women, God's word grounded me with confidence.  I'm always encouraged in the Scripture that my career as a wife and mother are prized and valued very highly by God.  That truly, this choice of mine is a worthy career choice, and nothing to be ashamed of in the professional world.

And there's more to this story...

A Career Worth Choosing, Part 1

by Winslow Homer, "woman and the dinner horn"

Before MH and I were married, I definitely knew that someday I'd close the "career" door in my life and open the "mom" door, and that would be that.  And it really wasn't just about knowing this, I truly wanted it, sometimes more than anything! And when it happened, with the arrival of baby #1 just 8 weeks before residency began, I was ready...at least I thought I was.

But the further I got in this life as wife of a Dr., the more I missed about my "career," primarily in regard to what I conversed about when it came to interacting with MH's colleagues.  It seemed that as we gathered at various social events, I felt like I no longer had anything worthy to contribute in conversation, apart from what my baby was doing at the time (like drooling and teething, very exciting).  I found myself falling back on what I "used" to do, whenever I was asked, "And what do you do?" Or I'd discuss ways I thought I was going to get back into my field, which, as I'm sure you've guessed, is teaching piano.

And so it went, sadly, for more than 4 years.  I say sadly, not because of the circumstance. Not because I really wished that I was back teaching piano and not a stay-at-home mom. Honestly, it was quite the contrary.  Staying at home was (and is) truly the highlight of my life, something I came to enjoy immensely.  I say sadly, because those "nothing to contribute" feelings, or perhaps even some embarrassment that I was just a stay-at-home mom, kept nagging me, when they shouldn't have.

And there's more to this story...

A Dr. at Home

Even though MH doesn't have a little clinic in the basement of our house where he sees patients or diagnoses his family, I will say, to follow up from my last post, it is quite nice to be married to an ob/gyn, specifically during these child-bearing years. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has millions of questions about my cycle, random pains, strange symptoms during pregnancy, etc. And instead of feeling like an idiot and calling my doctor every single day with ridiculous questions, I just bombard MH with them!

He is very objective, however, and sometimes I wish he'd just tell me that I'm sick or that it must be cancer, or that there's something very terribly wrong and I should go to bed immediately, or straight to the ER. But pretty much it's, "Your fine, there's nothing wrong. That's completely normal.  Just eat another banana." (that last part happened last night, and I had to laugh!)

What he doesn't do is try to diagnose my children. If I have a sincere concern he tells me to take them to the pediatrician, and so I do. He will take a little flash light and look down their throats, which is helpful since he knows what strep throat looks like, but beyond that he sort of has a "hands off" policy. He will give information and helpful tips, but if it's a deep concern, just go to the doctor.

I think overall he just wants to make sure that relationships don't blur good medicine. He knows he fills different roles in different places, and when he's at home he's the fun Daddy who spends quality time with his children.

The results are in...

Okay, even though I had a rather slim turn-out for the poll, I guess I'm going with the results, until I get tired of it, that is.  So from now on, "my husband" will be called MH.  Thanks to those of you who voted...Who knows, maybe it was the same person that voted over and over again?  No matter, results are results!

A Common Question

isn't my husband cute?...............

As a Dr's wife, I'm often asked the same question, over and over again (not necessarily by the same person). One of those questions usually comes just after an aquaintance finds out that I'm married to an ob/gyn. They'll ask, "So, does that mean that he delivers your babies?" Hmm, I can see how this is a deep curiosity for some people. So here's what I usually say.

No, he does not.

Now, I have friends whose husbands are ob/gyns, and indeed they have delivered their own babies, or have even done some basic examinations to avoid extra hospital trips (you know who you are...). And while that is totally fine, simply personal preference, my preference is not that. I prefer my husband to be just that, my husband. I want him by my side, next to my head, squeezing my hand and rubbing my back. Not telling me when to push and being at the other end!

But it's not just my preference, it's his too. He really has no interest in being my Dr., and really just wants to trust someone else with that responsibility. We've been blessed to have smooth deliveries, but what if there were complications? It seems like that might just make the situation more difficult.

When our first son was born, I sincerely asked him ahead of time if this might be the one time he wanted to deliver his own baby, his first son. And he didn't even have to think about it.  The answer was no.

And that is that.

Music Speaks

Maurice Denis (French, 1870-1943); mother and child

During my husband's residency, my pursuits turned inward as I became a stay-at-home mom.  But avenues of expression always reveal themselves, and this particular instance was one of them.

Sadly, a nurse that worked with my husband delivered a baby who had heart disease; the baby boy had died at only 3 weeks of age.  Such a tragedy definitely brought on a reality check for many, and a reminder that sorrow in this world leaves no one behind.

So how do you help in times like these?  How do you reach out and comfort someone in the midst of their heavy loss? First of all, prayer is powerful--bringing them before God and begging for His comfort and grace.  In addition, my husband asked me if I'd be willing to play the piano for the funeral services, and of course I consented.  I remember meeting with another nurse to go over a solo, and working on the music with a very heavy sense of loss for this family.  The services were beautiful, but even as I sat on the piano bench, tears streamed down.   Not even knowing them, I felt the burden with them.

In a strange way, I felt like my music sort of spoke for my husband words that he couldn't say.  I think it was his way of helping and encouraging when there was nothing he could do personally.  In fact, he couldn't even be there at the services because of his work schedule.  So in effect, I represented him with my music.  And once again, our worlds merged in a way I never could have imagined.

Check out my Poll...

So I have an on-going poll of what I should call "my husband" in this blog...I'm tired of typing that phrase! So since no one (except 2 whole people, maybe the only checkers of my blog!) voted last week, I've got another poll up on the sidebar with the top two picks!  Vote soon!

Dr's Wife Juice

When my  husband was in his residency, the budget was very tight; just enough for the bare necessities.  But every now and then something fun would go on sale and we would enjoy specialty items that made us feel rich!  One of those items was Simply Orange juice.

The first time I tried this I was in heaven!  That was how orange juice was meant to taste! Oh I was so downcast when that one small little bottle was finally empty, because there was no way we'd be buying it again full price!

So I asked my husband, "When you get a real job, can I have Dr's Wife juice?" And so it was, that after we got his first real paycheck, Simply Orange juice appeared in my refrigerator.

Music Night at Our House

Edgar Degas, "The Orchestra of the Opera"

My husband has always showed an interest in my pursuits.  He's forever enjoyed taking me to the symphony and attending my recitals and performances.  In fact, he's so clever in realizing that music is an excellent way to bring people together, not to mention a wonderful means of personal expression, that he put together a Music Night in our home during medical school. It was such a popular idea that even the two deans of the med school attended, one of them as a performer too!

When I think about it, it was a huge undertaking, although it didn't seem like it at the time.  We simply spread the word about the event and invited all our instrumentalist friends to come and perform. It was surprising how many musicians emerged out of the woodwork! Seriously, I had no idea that most of them played an instrument.  In the end, we had two guitarists, two pianists, an upright bass (played by the dean himself), a bassoonist, a flautist, and a few others.  Some of us practiced together ahead of time to perform concertos and the like, and of course there were plenty of solos.  We pulled out the pastries and coffee, and sat back for a night of music...a night to remember.

To this day it continues to be one of my favorite memories.  I was thrilled to have all of those talented people in my home, sharing music together.  For once, it was like they were speaking my language; I could understand them!  This time it was my "shop talk" they were using! And I appreciated the way my husband blended his life with mine.  Beautiful.

When Two Worlds Intersect

Francis Day (American, 1863-1925); "the piano lesson"

Joining my husband's world and embracing it doesn't mean I leave my own talents and ambitions at the door.  It's not dropping them off, losing my self-identity, or in effect, not being "me" anymore.  It's not an unreasonable choice of mine, and it's not a burden my husband has placed on me.  It's all part of an amazing role that I happily fill, and it started the day I married this man, if not earlier.

But with it comes balance, and creativity.  It takes imagination to figure out how to pursue my talents and interests while I'm supporting my husband in his. In the beginning, when he was in medical school, I was still in college (crazy, huh?), and then when I graduated, I used my degree in music to pay the bills.  So really, my talents had a huge impact on his career when you think about it.  And since I was deeply involved in the musical world, it intersected with the medical world in some really fun and interesting ways.

For instance, early on I gained a medical student as a piano student.  Sometimes I'd teach him at the medical school on the crummy piano in the lounge, and sometimes he'd come to our tiny apartment.  Most of the time he hadn't practiced (and for good reason, when in the world would he have had time when his hands were in the anatomy lab every living hour?).  Looking back, I think that experience was hilarious--me trying to fix his fingering and lack of musicality, while he was just needing a creative outlet, a break from his strenuous work in school.

That was just the start of the merging of two completely different worlds.  And maybe that's not the answer to how to blend these opposite interests, but it was a start.  And there's plenty more stories where that came from.