The results are in...

Okay, even though I had a rather slim turn-out for the poll, I guess I'm going with the results, until I get tired of it, that is.  So from now on, "my husband" will be called MH.  Thanks to those of you who voted...Who knows, maybe it was the same person that voted over and over again?  No matter, results are results!

A Common Question

isn't my husband cute?...............

As a Dr's wife, I'm often asked the same question, over and over again (not necessarily by the same person). One of those questions usually comes just after an aquaintance finds out that I'm married to an ob/gyn. They'll ask, "So, does that mean that he delivers your babies?" Hmm, I can see how this is a deep curiosity for some people. So here's what I usually say.

No, he does not.

Now, I have friends whose husbands are ob/gyns, and indeed they have delivered their own babies, or have even done some basic examinations to avoid extra hospital trips (you know who you are...). And while that is totally fine, simply personal preference, my preference is not that. I prefer my husband to be just that, my husband. I want him by my side, next to my head, squeezing my hand and rubbing my back. Not telling me when to push and being at the other end!

But it's not just my preference, it's his too. He really has no interest in being my Dr., and really just wants to trust someone else with that responsibility. We've been blessed to have smooth deliveries, but what if there were complications? It seems like that might just make the situation more difficult.

When our first son was born, I sincerely asked him ahead of time if this might be the one time he wanted to deliver his own baby, his first son. And he didn't even have to think about it.  The answer was no.

And that is that.

Music Speaks

Maurice Denis (French, 1870-1943); mother and child

During my husband's residency, my pursuits turned inward as I became a stay-at-home mom.  But avenues of expression always reveal themselves, and this particular instance was one of them.

Sadly, a nurse that worked with my husband delivered a baby who had heart disease; the baby boy had died at only 3 weeks of age.  Such a tragedy definitely brought on a reality check for many, and a reminder that sorrow in this world leaves no one behind.

So how do you help in times like these?  How do you reach out and comfort someone in the midst of their heavy loss? First of all, prayer is powerful--bringing them before God and begging for His comfort and grace.  In addition, my husband asked me if I'd be willing to play the piano for the funeral services, and of course I consented.  I remember meeting with another nurse to go over a solo, and working on the music with a very heavy sense of loss for this family.  The services were beautiful, but even as I sat on the piano bench, tears streamed down.   Not even knowing them, I felt the burden with them.

In a strange way, I felt like my music sort of spoke for my husband words that he couldn't say.  I think it was his way of helping and encouraging when there was nothing he could do personally.  In fact, he couldn't even be there at the services because of his work schedule.  So in effect, I represented him with my music.  And once again, our worlds merged in a way I never could have imagined.

Check out my Poll...

So I have an on-going poll of what I should call "my husband" in this blog...I'm tired of typing that phrase! So since no one (except 2 whole people, maybe the only checkers of my blog!) voted last week, I've got another poll up on the sidebar with the top two picks!  Vote soon!

Dr's Wife Juice

When my  husband was in his residency, the budget was very tight; just enough for the bare necessities.  But every now and then something fun would go on sale and we would enjoy specialty items that made us feel rich!  One of those items was Simply Orange juice.

The first time I tried this I was in heaven!  That was how orange juice was meant to taste! Oh I was so downcast when that one small little bottle was finally empty, because there was no way we'd be buying it again full price!

So I asked my husband, "When you get a real job, can I have Dr's Wife juice?" And so it was, that after we got his first real paycheck, Simply Orange juice appeared in my refrigerator.

Music Night at Our House

Edgar Degas, "The Orchestra of the Opera"

My husband has always showed an interest in my pursuits.  He's forever enjoyed taking me to the symphony and attending my recitals and performances.  In fact, he's so clever in realizing that music is an excellent way to bring people together, not to mention a wonderful means of personal expression, that he put together a Music Night in our home during medical school. It was such a popular idea that even the two deans of the med school attended, one of them as a performer too!

When I think about it, it was a huge undertaking, although it didn't seem like it at the time.  We simply spread the word about the event and invited all our instrumentalist friends to come and perform. It was surprising how many musicians emerged out of the woodwork! Seriously, I had no idea that most of them played an instrument.  In the end, we had two guitarists, two pianists, an upright bass (played by the dean himself), a bassoonist, a flautist, and a few others.  Some of us practiced together ahead of time to perform concertos and the like, and of course there were plenty of solos.  We pulled out the pastries and coffee, and sat back for a night of music...a night to remember.

To this day it continues to be one of my favorite memories.  I was thrilled to have all of those talented people in my home, sharing music together.  For once, it was like they were speaking my language; I could understand them!  This time it was my "shop talk" they were using! And I appreciated the way my husband blended his life with mine.  Beautiful.

When Two Worlds Intersect

Francis Day (American, 1863-1925); "the piano lesson"

Joining my husband's world and embracing it doesn't mean I leave my own talents and ambitions at the door.  It's not dropping them off, losing my self-identity, or in effect, not being "me" anymore.  It's not an unreasonable choice of mine, and it's not a burden my husband has placed on me.  It's all part of an amazing role that I happily fill, and it started the day I married this man, if not earlier.

But with it comes balance, and creativity.  It takes imagination to figure out how to pursue my talents and interests while I'm supporting my husband in his. In the beginning, when he was in medical school, I was still in college (crazy, huh?), and then when I graduated, I used my degree in music to pay the bills.  So really, my talents had a huge impact on his career when you think about it.  And since I was deeply involved in the musical world, it intersected with the medical world in some really fun and interesting ways.

For instance, early on I gained a medical student as a piano student.  Sometimes I'd teach him at the medical school on the crummy piano in the lounge, and sometimes he'd come to our tiny apartment.  Most of the time he hadn't practiced (and for good reason, when in the world would he have had time when his hands were in the anatomy lab every living hour?).  Looking back, I think that experience was hilarious--me trying to fix his fingering and lack of musicality, while he was just needing a creative outlet, a break from his strenuous work in school.

That was just the start of the merging of two completely different worlds.  And maybe that's not the answer to how to blend these opposite interests, but it was a start.  And there's plenty more stories where that came from.

Even after 11 years...

Albert Edelfelt (Finnish, 1854-1905); Portrait of Louis Pasteur

There's still a few things I can't seem to get used to:
1) sleeping alone when my husband is on call...I still have nightmares sometimes and hear every single creak in the house when he's gone.
2) when he has to "run up to the hospital" to check on a patient, in the middle of a Saturday afternoon
3) when he has to work on a holiday, or in the middle of the holidays
4) the dirty scrubs all over my bedroom floor
5) open volumes of gynecological medicine on my coffee table (revealing pictures of some very strange surgical procedures at times)
6) "shop talk"--you know, when the four people we're hanging out with are telling tales about their OR day, and I have no idea what they're talking about
7) the mental focus of my husband when he's home but his mind is at work, pondering some challenging cases, bad outcomes, etc.  (this isn't all the time, of course; he's very engaged in our family...but sometimes)
8) being married to a man who's work involves life and death, every day.

The list keeps going, and I'm sure every wife has a list of her own, no matter what her husband does, which is part of the mystery and beauty of married life.

Going the Extra Mile

by Mary Cassatt

People sometimes wonder if I've ever been nervous or worried about the fact that my husband spends most of his time with other women.  Let's face it, the ob/gyn world is becoming more and more dominated by female practitioners.  Often, in each class of residents there will be no males at all!  And then of course, he never, ever, ever has a male patient.  And while there are many male nurses in many fields, it seems like most of the labor and delivery nurses are female.  So this question is quite a valid one.

Thankfully, I completely trust my husband, and always have.  He's a faithful man, and has proven to me time and again how madly in love he is with me!  I've never doubted his character, ever.  And often I can't relate to women that have to wonder about their husbands; but believe me, my sympathies abound to them.

But over the years, my husband and I have made special efforts to ensure that other people know he's a married man...that he is totally and utterly unavailable!  Back when he was in residency, and on call many a night, we wouldn't see him for quite a long spell.  So we had to come up with a way to make this time go faster, to encourage him in his work, and to remind his co-workers that he had a family back home.

So I started cooking up big meals, packing them in the car, and driving up to the hospital. I'd stuff the meals in the bottom of the stroller, and push it all the way up to labor and delivery.  My daughter would make her rounds visiting the nurses,  I'd chat it up with the other residents, and then we'd set up our dinner and eat it with Daddy.  Sometimes I'd make enough for his whole team, and sometimes just enough for our little family.  Either way, it was one way for them to see him as a family man, and not as a "potential."  And of course, the added benefit was that it was a special way to love my husband.

We still carry on this tradition from time to time, although with our growing family it's a bit more of a challenge for me to haul everyone up to the hospital.  So sometimes he'll take one child with him to the hospital on his weekend rounds.  Either way, I think it's a good plan to show others that this man is taken!  

Spouse's Unite (Learning to Adjust, part four)

 "The Eve's Dropper" by Nicolaes Maes

This is the 4th in my "Learning to Adjust" series...I've been explaining how I'm striving to involve myself in my husband's world in a deep and meaningful way, not just accompany him or watch him as though I'm an on-looker. But to pursue his world and have some sort of an impact in the meantime.  So you  might need to read the prior posts to catch up to this story...

So the day of the spouse's event finally came.  I was a bit nervous, but on I plodded. When I arrived I put my name tag on and introduced myself to a few people, sort of made my way into the crowd and found a spot to stand (the event involved an Art Walk and lecture).  In my mind, I was wondering who I would click with, if anyone.  I spotted two wives about my age, interspersed throughout the group.

As we began our walk around the resort, the ladies pushed on and by some sort of miracle, seriously, the two other girls my age ended up right next to me.  We laughed about it later that it was like we were magnets!  Immediately we began to get to know each other, and lo and behold they were even from my state, which meant our husbands were in the same group.

So this led to that, we exchanged numbers, and for the next couple of days spent lots of our free time together, by the pool, at the beach, eating lunch, etc.  I was so thankful for the opportunity to get to know these women, who I'm likely to see again.  I felt the Lord prodding me in some conversations to speak up for Him, and I did.  And it was a   beginning--a start to perhaps more opportunities to connect with our common bond (our husbands are gynecologists) and to share how my faith impacts my life.

I hate to think what could have been had I ignored the urge to stretch myself and get out of my comfort zone.  Nothing terrible would have happened, but nothing good either.  It would just be life as usual, and I would be no further along in my desire to join up with my husband, in his world.

A Trip and a Challenge (learning to adjust, part three)

It may seem to you that I'm a real stick in the mud. That I never want to interact with my husband's world. But I do! I'm just being honest here about the internal challenges that come up and how I work through them. If it were a breeze I'd have nothing to write about.

So, my husband and I were planning a trip to paradise, combined with a conference he had to attend, and I had been looking forward to this for a year...the freedom, the weather, the water, no kids, no responsibilities, no schedules, not to mention time with him. And then an opportunity to spend a morning with the spouses came up...and once again, I was faced with some options.

There's more than what meets the eye here though. The first level of all this is the fear that comes to me when I'm placed in a new environment, on my own, with new people, no securities. But underneath it all, I was facing a spiritual crisis too. Does God only want me to live for Him when I'm at home? Am I really granted a vacation from opportunities to share my faith with others? What if He is opening up a door for me to build relationships with people in my husband's world, who I more than likely will see again?

And so this battle raged back and forth in my heart, and finally, I made a decision. I told my husband the next day that I would be meeting up with the spouse's for the event. He was kind of surprised, but I explained. I told him I didn't want to pretend that I could live in two worlds, one world of reality, where I "preach" that we should live out the Gospel in our everyday life, and one world of "vacation," where I do my own thing. God had really convicted me to take this opportunity seriously, and to pray about people I might meet and how I could be bold in my conversation.

Not to mention, how I could join my husband's world and not just accompany him.
And the story continues...

Learning to Adjust, part two

"Melina in Green"  by Emma Fordyce MacRae

Once or twice a year, I accompany my husband to his program's graduation festivities. The pleasant part of these yearly parties is buying a new dress.  But the harder part for me is making conversation.  This is the part I'm attempting to embrace.

At the most recent event, my husband had a presentation for which he was setting up, and I was lingering by him as he plugged in various cords.  But then he realized there was a cord missing and he had to fly out to purchase it before the program began.  So in a flash, I was standing alone, faced with some options...  

1) Go to the bathroom, and take a really long time...

2) Wander around the club and look at the art

3) Stand in line for a drink and "dress watch" (you know, check out all the latest fashions and internally analyze them; much funner done with a friend or sister...)

4) Stand around and look bashful

5) Intentionally find a familiar face and just talk to them

So, while I was very tempted to do option #1, I went with a little of option #3, and more of option #5.  I found my ob/gyn and talked about the kids and our Macs...kinda cliche', but good.  

When dinner was called, my husband still wasn't back.  Oh, no...Where would I sit?  I hadn't found a table yet!  I do know people, just so you know, like the residents that my husband teaches and some of his colleagues.  But they all know each other too and as I scanned the crowd, all their tables were full.  For a minute or two I probably looked a little lost, but I pulled it together and just chose a table, introduced myself and who I belonged to, and sat down.  Then I realized I had literally chosen the ahum  senior citizen table.  

I tried to make conversation but was literally running into a wall, until I spotted another familiar face at a different table, with two empty spots to boot.  I'm sorry to say (although glad I did it) I quietly escaped the first table (and really, I don't think they even noticed) and landed a spot in the next table.  

Upon finding a resting spot, I relaxed into good conversation about motherhood, career choices, and so on.  Soon my husband showed up and I must admit, I was somewhat proud that I had found a spot on my own and was deep in conversation.

Moral of the story:  Sometimes you just have to put yourself out there and meet people. Often it's when you're on your own that you make the most progress in these situations.  

Learning to Adjust, part one...

Over the years as a Dr's wife, I've found myself in settings completely out of my comfort zone.  For instance, hospitals, rooms full of Dr's, rooms full of Dr's spouses, residency parties, etc.  On many occasion I've been sort of "forced" to engage in conversation, or I've chosen to slip off in my own little world, chase my toddler around, and subtly elbow my husband that I want to go home.

Recently, however, I've been trying to come to grips with this sense of discomfort, this idea that I don't have anything to offer to this particular group of people, or just to the feeling of being really out of place.  Now just so you know, my husband is really great at boosting my confidence, and he loves it when I attend functions with him.  But even then, many a time he's whisked away for this conversation, to meet this person, or to MC the event or participate on the podium.  So often, by default, I'm left wondering which way to go, which person to talk to, etc, etc. This is just a hunch, but I think I might not be the only Dr's wife who feels this way.

But I want to embrace my husband's world, not just accompany him. I want to make an impact on the people I meet, not just converse with them to pass the time. So how do I embark on this mission? What does it look like in real life? Well, that's for another post.

P.S. For the sake of my point I may have exaggerated just a bit; I have definitely had some good and memorable memories interracting with people in my husband's world. Indeed, I've made some endearing, life-long friends in the process. But that too is for another post.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

art: In the Woods, 
by Elizabeth Gardner Bouguereau (American, 1837-1922)


As you might imagine, conversation at our dinner table, and around the house, is far different than most "common" people (and by that I mean people not in the medical field...)  When our oldest was a baby, we were firm believers of teaching children proper names for the parts of the body...all of them.  This worked out quite well for a time, and pin-pointed many a problem.  Until that day...

We were at a small prayer meeting for a very serious concern, in which people were pouring their hearts out to God, and there were quite a few tears.  I had to take daughter A (2 1/2 at the time) with me (because of course, my husband was on call).  So we stationed ourselves near the back of the little living room, and I sat there trying to keep A still and quiet, and praying my own quiet prayers in my heart.

Then out of the blue, A began to squirm and wriggle, and fuss and fight.

"Shhh, be quiet," I'm saying, and then she did it, and our plans completely back-fired...

"MOMMY, MY  V.....  ITCHES" in her LOUDEST possible voice.

Needless to say, I whisked her up in my arms, and ran out the door, threw her in the car and sped away.
Now she and our other children have "girl parts" and "boy parts." Enough said.

Food for Thought

Being married to a gynecologist is awkward for some people.  There's really no other way of putting it.  Recently someone told me of a situation where a friend of hers felt uncomfortable thinking that my husband was a gynecologist.  That particular situation didn't bother me, mostly I just laughed.  But it did get me thinking.   Does anyone else feel uncomfortable about it?

For me it's so normal.  It's our life.  My husband could be going to work on cars every morning, that's how normal it feels (yes, sometimes I have a moment of awe when I think that my husband is cutting open a woman to save a baby; quite wonderful that God allows him to play a role in saving lives).  But when I kiss him good-bye in the morning, it's normal.  Just another day of work.

I forget though, that I used to feel uncomfortable thinking about what gynecologists did.  And so maybe some of my friends, or some of my friend's husbands, have a hard time getting over it.  I'm not sure.  It's just so hard for me to remember those feelings.  It's so medical, so practical.  There's nothing romantic about it at all.

Anyway, its food for thought.  But not too much thought, or I might go crazy.

Table Talk

This is a photo of my kitchen table.  I love it.  For me it represents so much-- the intersecting of lives, passions, hobbies... (can you see it?  craft scissors, kitchen scissors, and a needle driver; surgical gloves, lidocaine, fabric, and tissue paper...hmmm, what was going on that night?)  And this is my life.  My husband is a gynecologist.  When I first met him,  he wanted to be a doctor, but was leaning towards a completely opposite field (one that deals with the sinuses!).  Oh how the tables have turned!  (probably a good thing, for as he says, "If a high school boy wants to be a gynecologist, something's wrong with him.")

Needless to say, it seems I've always been faced with this challenge: how to merge my life with my husband's; how to embrace his world, and even bring something to it; how to enjoy his "shop talk," when we're socializing with his colleagues; how to explain to my children what in the world their Daddy does; how to feel confident about my career choice when I'm face to face with women who've chosen a very different one.  And alas, all this is hard.  

But through it all, I feel like I have a story to tell, a journey to describe.  Thus begins this blog.